My Story 1 – Robert

I was married for nearly eleven years when I found out my ex was going to divorce me. After I asked her what was going on, she then replied that we were not husband and wife anymore from that day. She worked full time while I mainly looked after our two children, also worked as a self-employed decorator. I tried as much as I could to turn things around without any success. I asked her not to involve the children and I was happy to share whatever we had 50/50.

She said she wanted 100% of everything.

Our marriage was not perfect but we had managed so far. We had different views regarding religion, bringing up the children and other matters. It had to be her way or no way. There was no domestic abuse or any kind of aggression until December 2015. The children were growing up healthily, happy and stable. They had never been neglected by me whatsoever and they always had everything. My daughter was doing really well at school also she was doing ballet on Saturdays. She is good at languages and arts. My son is very logical. I am a qualified teacher from abroad and I used to teach them at home as well. We had a normal life like any normal person. In 2016, the home environment started to become toxic and grew gradually. My priority was to protect our children as much as I could manage. They were just kids and did not supposed to witness all the abuse I went through at home. My ex played mind games with me and gradually started to abuse me verbal, physical and psychologically in front of the children. I grew up in a very stable and large family. I had never witnessed this kind of behaviour between my parents. They were the best people you could meet and they were happily married for 53 years when my mother passed away.

My ex-wife shouted at me many times, she pushed me many times, she spat in my face, she used to put me down, telling me I was not worth, I was a gigolo and if I were a proper man, I should hit her. Everything happened in front of our children. My daughter begged her many times to stop and leave me in peace. She wanted me to leave the property so she could bring her family from abroad to live in the marital home. The house is in our joint names. I have no family or relative in this country, apart from our children to whom I was the prime carer for almost 8 years. In the divorce letter she posted to me, she asked me to leave the marital house by midnight on 4 July 2016. As I didn’t, she told me she would make my life hell and I did not know what she was capable of. We used to pay the bills together; sometimes she contributed more than I did and sometimes I contributed more than she did. Eventually, she started withdrawing her financial contribution towards the bills. Also, she started to leave home 6 am, earlier than she was used to, and come back later than she was used to. The pressure was too much. I had to drop the children at school and nursery, go to work anywhere in London, come back home to pick up my daughter at 15:30 and then my son. At home, I used to cook dinner every day, prepare the children’s bath, do the homework and play with them. By the time she arrived, my son was in bed or sleeping. The whole job had already been done. She used to go direct to the kitchen, close the door and stay there. The abuse got worse, and worse daily. There were verbal, physical and psychological abuses every day as well as new accusations. I had already stopped talking to her because every time I tried; she was very aggressive towards me. I also found out that she had been bed-mouthing me among friends and clients for a very long time. She had also sent a copy of the divorce letter to our friends. The toxic environment in the house started to affect the children. My daughter had nightmares and could not sleep. My son was crying more and started having breathing problems. I took him twice to a Hospital in London and the second time he stayed there overnight.

I did not know what to do.

I was very worried for my children and the damage it could cause on them, so in October 2016, I contacted the NSPCC. I was looking for help. Apart from the chatting, there was no solid or further help. She used to hit the children and slap my daughter’s face. My daughter did not want to stay with her mum alone because of the violence In January 2017, I went to the police station to report her. I was quite embarrassed and ashamed to talk about my private life. I was in such emotional pain that day after the whole abuse I had been through since 2016 and the latest one which started on the day before I reported her. I could not take anymore. Unfortunately, they did not do anything to stop or protect me or the children. In 2018 the Court asked me to provide the police report. I applied and got it within 40 days. For my surprise I found out on the report that they had dismissed my case because the constable did not believe there was domestic abuse, even though they never check it out or came to speak to me. There was no further investigation. They did not believe I was a victim of a domestic abuse because I am a male. There are only two bedrooms in the marital house and after separation, she decided to move to the children’s small bedroom and told our daughter to move to the main bedroom. I woke up on three different occasions to find the ex, standing in front of me in the middle of the night. I was even more scared of her behaviour because there is schizophrenic cases in her family.

Eventually, a social worker got involved in the case, I saw her only twice in a short period of time. She was not interested in listening to my side of the story. It seemed to me she already had a negative concept about me even before meeting with me. It seemed to me that she had already met my ex-wife, I do not know when, how many times and for how long. In April 2017 the mother took the children from school and nursery and vanished. I didn’t know where they were. She made malicious allegations against me and got the system on her side. All the abuse she put me through, she used against me as if I had done to her. I have been completely alienated from my children for more than four years now. I still do not have any contact with them.

Unfortunately, there is no solid help for men and most people don’t believe that a man can be a victim of a domestic abuse too. We are just ashamed to talk about this issue. I had to choose between paying the bills, including mortgage or pay for a solicitor. She had already stopped all the financial contribution at the end of 2016. She took me to Court with all her false allegations and her lawyer and barrister managed to build up a case against me. I did not have the money to pay for a lawyer. I have been mainly litigated in person and did not know what to do or how to do. I have been bullied and humiliated in court many times. They managed to build a case against me as a perpetrator. In fact, the true perpetrator has been treated as a victim. The whole case is based on lies and false allegations. I am paying a huge price for things that I did not do. Unfortunately, there is no transparency in the family court and the Fact Finding is a game based on probabilities. As long as you convince the judge, it does not have to be true as far as I can see now, from my own experience. I don’t think they believe that a man can be a victim of a domestic abuse. We are just ashamed to talk about this. Most organizations don’t listen or believe in man. They don’t believe that a man had/have been abused by its partner. There is no counselling to support male victims of domestic abuse neither a minister for man. I feel like there is no equality for men. The few organisations for men, they have no resources to offer any further help, apart from the 30 minutes chatting over the phone.

The fact is, false allegations have destroyed the lives of many good and honest men. I have met many of them who are going through the same pain, suffering and frustration that I have been through for more 5 years. Statistics show that a huge number of men commit suicide in the UK every day and many of these cases are related to false allegations, domestic abuse and the painful and merciless process in Court. 3.8 million children in the UK are growing up without a parent, mainly the father. 200 children are taken away from their home daily. Most of them will not see their fathers for many years or never again. The number of depressed men in the country is very high. Parental Alienation is a cruel form of an abuse which affect not only the target, but also the innocent child/children involved. The damage and trauma will be with them forever. Parental Alienation is a proof of a coercive and sick behaviour from a perpetrator. No child should be alienated from their lovely father. No child should be used as a weapon in the divorce field. After the battle in court, the false victims keep attacking the innocent parent, mainly the father. They use the children as a pawn, the police, the social service, the CMS, the people they influenced, to destroy the other parent. Sadly, they walk freely after all and set example for other to game the system in the same way. The social worker lied about me and manipulated the case as well as the Cafcass officer misled the proceedings with her lies and lack of understanding the case. She did not spend time enough with me and the children. Though I do have the children and have been alienated for more than 4 years, they accused of alienate her. My children were lovely children that a parent can have, but after many years of alienation, I believe they have been brainwashed against me. As a result of these unfair proceeding, I was evicted from my property where she had not lived or paid any bills for more than three years, the Court gave me a week to leave my property where I had lived for nearly 12 years.

After I left the house, I had no place to go and no one wanted to accommodate me due to the coronavirus pandemic situation, so I end up sleeping roughly in the streets for 5 nights. They have wrecked my name, finances, accountancy, relation with clients, friends, my children, as well as leaving me with a huge debt. The children for them are just a weapon and not a beloved child. Below are some reasons why they falsely accuse their partners.

1. They will have the system on their side;

2. The probability to get the custody of the children will be higher;

3. They will not be accused of alienating;

4. They will keep using the child as a weapon to destroy the other side and then get what they really want. Money!

5.If they have the children, it will be easier for them to convince people that they are the victim;

The same people will give her the support she wants to win the case I am still fighting and try to get the pieces together to rebuild my life that they destroyed with the blessing of the system. NOBODY SHOULD GO THROUGH WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND NO CHILD SHOULD GROW UP WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF A LOVELY FATHER!